Lying in the Sun

Surfing the Sofa

Surfing the Sofa...with Lorraine...


Kelly from Telly:

The following link a huge help in putting together a little Kelly spoof, and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed reading through it, some fanastic phrases, some I would absolutely have loved to use here...but perhaps not appropriate...definitely worth a look.  'Cheeky Water' (alcohol) Claes (clothes) just a couple of the wonderful words and phrases, and 'clype'  - to grass on someone.  Let's hope soon some clypes will appear in the case of missing Madeleine.

Translations in blue ink!
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http://glasgow.gmdesign.org.uk/


Kelly from the Telly (known for her unique interviewing technique – she never allows her guests to respond - some asks why she bothers to invite guests along)


Kelly from the Telly:

Good morning got some great guests in today...old familiar faces...don't they scrub up well on sofa days...

Yes, please join me in giving a warm welcome to old favourites Pinnochio and Princess Fiona....no, no that's not right, silly me, Fiona is their friend famous for that patio door tale... Old Ma Hubbard....no, no, that's their other friend....go to her cupboard and its bare, go Ma's in Portugal, who knows what might be found there... Lol lol lol lol reeeeeeally don't know what's got into me this morning...must be the excitement of having my friends back on the sofa.....Cruella... that's it..it's Cruella, no, no they're talking to me through my earpiece... No, it's not Cruella, she was cruel to puppy dogs... och it disnae matter whits in a name...good morning to youse both.  (Loud applause, whoop, whoop.    There isn't actually, UK audiences don't do whoop, whoops...)


Kelly from the Telly

So you left the weans (children) EVERY night? Lovely,  reeeally reeeeeally  lovely...its a reeeeally safe thing to do when on holiday...its a bit like grey being the new black...no babysitter being the new...babysitter!   

Kelly from Telly:

And the triplets were 2 years old? Nice, nice, nice, reeeeaally nice….triplets....ah (I) love triplets, me so ah do,  (I do so love triplets) and Mandy, you do call her Mandy,  your family all called her Mandy too…have heard all the reeeeealy nice things they say about her…but they DO call her Mandy…Why did you say you don’t because I’ve reeeeeallly reeeeallly heard youse all (all of you)  calling her Mandy…and Mandy …she was 3?    So three, two year olds…and a three year old….lovely….and you left them in the holiday apartment….while youse nipped doon (went down) to the tapas bar…awh  nice one…they’d have only spoiled your nights oot with yer pals(your nights out with your friends)  if you’d taken them with you…Good for you…reeeeeally lovely…and reeeeallly reeeeeeeally good you never got huckled wi the polis (arrested by police) for child neglect….nice one!

Kelly from Telly:

And Mandy she was reeeeeeally okay with that…alone in a dark holiday apartment…?  Och aye weans (children) adapt, they’d get reeeeeally  reeeeeallly used to being alone in the dark scary holiday apartment reeeeeally reeeeeally quickly….after that first night, weans would be fine….lovely…

Kelly from Telly:

Whit? (what) they were greetin? (crying)  lol lol lol lol lol lol lol …that’s weans fur ye (for you) greetin fur nothing ah mean youse wis only doon the bar fur five nights no as though you sent them up a dark lum. Your weans need to get a grip (I mean you were only down at the bar for five nightsyour children need to stop being so overly dramatic and crying in such circumstances, I mean it could be worse, all three of them could have been sent out to clean chimneys that's what I call a dark scary place...)

Kelly from Telly:

Naw!  (No) the windae (window) wis open?…whit did ye dae …call the polis right away or did ye go oot looking fur Mandy? (what did you do did you call the police immediately or did you go out looking for Mandy)   Naw, naw ah understand youse wur very busy, youse didnae have the time (no no I understand you both were very busy and didn’t have the time) ah understand, doctors, busy lives, tapas bars to visit, naw, naw, don’t apologise, youse have nuthin tae apologise fur (you have nothing to apologise for) these things happen…naw naw, ah know wee man (no, no I know , little man) ah understand…if you’d been there at that moment….ah know wee man you wud have (would have) geid the guy a glesca kiss (headbutted the guy) at that moment…still you might find him yet, you might still get your chance…he’s been laughing for six years…how long can a person keep laughing….lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol    ah reeeeeeeeallly reeeeeeally think it could be someone youse know, someone reeeeeeeeally reeeeeeally close to your family….

(I really believe the perpetrator is someone you know, is someone close to your family)

Kelly from the Telly:

And youse wisnae tae know thur wis burglars aboot (and you were not to know there were burglars in the area) and youse wisnae tae know that Portuguese burglars steal weans oot their beds…(and you couldn’t have known that Portuguese burglars steal children from their beds) its reeeeeeally reeeeeeeally no like at hame…where the burglars would have' left the weans…and took the wallet', lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol  (its really not like at home where burglars steal only material goods and not children)

Dae youse think he stole her frae her bed when you wis in the lavvy wee man, ah heard ye went tae the lavvy,  needed a pish… lol lol lol lol lol lol that’s whit happens when youse have been having a bevvy, some cheeky water…. Youse reeeeeeeally reeeeeeeeeally need to pish….Naw naw…he wis still hiding behind the door then….cheeky bastard…’

(do you think he stole her from her bed when you were in the toilet. I heard you went to the toilet, needing to urinate. That's what happens when you have been drinking a lot of alcohol. No, No, he was still hiding behind the door then, the audacity of the man)

Kelly from Telly:

And you wrote a book…lovely, reeeeeeeeeally lovely…ah heard you have a great imagination….lol lol lol lol lol lol  that’s wots needed when ye write stuff to try and fool people…a great imagination….comes in handy. Reeeeeally reeeeeeeally handy wish ah had wan (I wish I had one) but this book….or bewk…ah love when you say book….bewk, bewk, bewk… bewk…bewk…. Lol lol lol lol lol lol lol its reeeeeeelly reeeeeeeally funny….disnae quite roll aff the tongue, more sticks in the throat sort of guttural sound...lol lol lol but nice wan... a book...nice little earner...

(doesn't quite roll off the tongue more throaty, guttural, but how nice you thought of writing a book for money...Mandy)

Kelly from Telly….

And youse are still moochin  ah hear (still asking people for money I hear) lol lol lol lol lol lol  that’s reeeeeeallly reeeeeeeeeally well, well, just reeeeeeeeally….reeeeeeeally……reeeeeeeally something... …gallus that’s the word (having gall)
 
Wis the money frae the book sales no enough, naw naw youse don’t have to explain….things cost a lot of money….and that guy Clarence, ah reeeeeeeeeallly reeeeeeeeeeally like him, a toff who tells lies (a rich person)…..he needs paid….lies cost money…ah know that….well ah didnae know that till youse two hit the headlines….lol lol lol lol lol lol  ah didnae know people could pay people tae tell lies….ah blame it oan the internet…ah reeeeeeeeally do…and the parents noo tae.  Didnae happen in ma day...we didnae huv any money lol lol lol lol we hud tae tell oor oan lies fur oorsels.

(Didn't happen when I was young, we didn't have the money to pay people to lie for us any lying we felt necessary we did so ourselves)

Kelly from Telly

And tell me wee man, wis it your idea  tae change your story, or a collective decision like that collective mistake….lol lol lol lol lol lol …did youse reeeeelly reeeeeeeeally think youse could fool the polis (did you really think you could fool the police) Ah heard they Portuguese Polis were onto youse two right away, they saw through your story first time they heard it.  Ye told them you entered the apartment by the front locked door using your key to open it….lovely, youse thinking aboot the weans safety like that, locking them in ….but then seven days later you told the polis ye didnae dae that you changed your story (lovely that you thought of keeping the children safe by locking them in the apartment, but then you changed your story and you told police that you didn’t do that, so you weren't thinking of their safety after all)

Well whits the story wee man, why wud ye say seven days later you went in through an unlocked patio door…that’s reeeeeeeeeeeally a reeeeeeeeally strange thing to do…did ye lie tae the polis wi the first story or the second wan?   (Well what is the truth of the matter little man, why seven days later did you change your story, was your first account to police a lie or was the second account the lie?)  lol lol lol lol lol lol lol  - listen tae me…I’m way off script ….that’s no a question that ah should be asking….ah’ll be in trouble noo…lol lol lol lol lol lol   (oh dear heavens what am I saying, I've strayed from the script, that’s not a question that I should be asking you, I’ll now be in trouble I'll lose my job my cameraman husband too...)

Kelly from the Telly

Dr A.…ah bet ye think hes a big bastard, and why dae ye no give him his proper title 'Dr' ye always call him Mr why's that? …truth is, he’s an honourable and honest man…he wisnae prepared to do a deal wi youse two…too decent a guy, too much integrity….can ye huv too much integrity…lol lol lol lol lol  reeeeeeeeally ah don’t know….but why ah'm asking youse two, ye widnae know either….ye reeeeeeeeeeeally widnae lol lol lol lol lol  ( but why am I asking you two, you really would not know) Whit dae ye think wee man?  (what do you think little man?)

Kelly from Telly

Ah think Dr A's right intae aw that truth, honesty and justice stuff, the right type of polis tae huv when there’s a wean missing…well that’s if ye want the wean found, the people who harmed her caught and brought to justice, and if you don’t you remove the polis from investigation (I think Dr A. believes in truth and justice, and is the best person to have on board in an investigation involving a missing child, but only if certain people want the child found and those who harmed her brought to justice) whit dae youse two think wee man…?

He’s reeeeeeeeally  reeeeeeeeeeally good lol lol lol  ah know ahm no supposed tae say that…but he is good at his joab (job), and decent and honest….and he’s handsome tae ah fair fancy him, nae offence tae you man, but a bit o' male groomin widnae go amiss it's like the day of the tryffids roon yir shirt collar mate, ah keep thinkin ahm gonnae get strangled if that escapes...if it scares me, whit will it dae tae the weans, ma viewers...the damage

(I know I am not supposed to speak of Dr A. in a truthful way but he is a good man, good at his job, decent and honest and handsome too. I admire his good looks.  No offence but if Santa leaves you a razor or a lawnmower in your stocking this coming Christmas, take my advice and use it, you are scaring me, the children and the viewing public - if he doesn't, and as you are a good friend, I may let you borrow my ladyshave, and as for the dandruff left on my sofa it's getting harder to clean with your every visit - I may need to sue you for damages)

Kelly from the Telly

Ah heard youse two got some E.Fits made then hid them doon the side of the sofa for five years lol lol lol lol  ah reeeeeeeeeeeeally, reeeeeeally hope it wisnae doon ma sofa lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol.

Imagine the polis coming to the studio when we’re on air to search the sofa….youse two wud need to move your lying arses… can you imagine DCI Redwood and 37 other polis, and a couple dugs (dogs) at his back…whit if they find some seabass, dirty nappies, and rotten meat how am ah gonnae explain that...and ah don't want them sniffing yer missus' claes (clothes) on air  - the dugs that is, no Robin Redwood and his merry men!

(I hope it wasn't down the side of my sofa that you hid the e.fits, can you imgine the police coming to the studio with a couple of dogs. What if the dogs detect seabass, dirty nappies, rotten meat, how am I to explain that? And I don't want them sniffing your OH clothes, look what happened last time, dogs went berserk alerting like they'd never alerted before, or so a source told me.)

Kelly from the Telly

Your source said you had tae make a choice which E.fit you would use the wan that looked like you or the wan that Jane Tanner invented… something tae dae with not having enough money….come on….youse picked the wan that Tanner made up....nice wan!   but youse know ah wid have been happy to sit with the E.Fits on ma lap while you sat on ma sofa…nae problem….and it widnae huv cost youse two a penny.  Ye know ah write stuff aboot Dr A. in my column fur ye and ah don't any questions, ah know youse two don't like questions, and ah don't ask ye any big hard questions when yir on ma sofa.

(your source said that you had to make a choice between using the E.Fit  that resembled you, and the one which your friend Jane Tanner invented, your financial position didn’t allow you to make public, both, so you chose the one Tanner invented in preference to the one which looked like you.  Come now, you know I would have been happy to sit with the E.fits on my lap while I interviewed you and at no cost, friends help each other...have I not proved my loyalty by writing bad stuff about Dr A telling lies and putting it in my newspaper column...and I never ask a probing question when you are seated on my sofa)

Kelly from the Telly

Lol lol lol lol lol lol or wis youse two hiding something….. that ex polis the English guy, John Stalker he said youse two, and your pals are hiding something (Were you two hiding something the now retired English police officer John Stalker believes that you and your friends are hiding something)

Kelly from the Telly:

How much money dae youse two hope tae get oot o' Dr A…reeeeeeeeeeeally, REally? just enough to cover the fee to Clarence….well that’s £70,0000 unless you owe him some outstanding fee….and youse need to pay the last lot of Court fees, maybe a couple payments to the mortgage….good quality wristbands no selling so well then as they used to?  (How much do you both hope to get from Dr A, just enough to cover the fee to pay off Clarence and to cover other Court fees perhaps a couple of mortgage payments...The good quality wristbands are they not selling as well as they once did?)

The wristband your wearing wee man, is that the first one you ever wore you've kept it safe for sentimental reasons, something precious to you, or have you had to replace it over the years…ah bet you keep losing them…?

Kelly from the Telly

Well that’s reeeeeeeeaaally funny, a reeeeeeally funny story -

Before you attend Court or an interview you run around the house shouting at the weans…’wit have you done with the fucking wristbands, ah don’t wear it fur fun ye know’…that’s reeeeeeeeeeally funny wee man…hey ye should have put that in your bewk…that’s much funnier than her no wanting tae go tae bed wi you….dae ye wear the wristband in bed…naw naw ah shouldn’t ask…but ahm Kelly from the Telly…ah do and say reeeeeeeeeally, reeeeeeeealy silly things….

(Before you attend court you run around the house shouting at the children 'What have you done with the fucking wristband I don't wear it for fun you know.'   That story should have been in the book its much more amusing than her not wanting to make lo...no I can't say it, no sick bucket to hand...than her not wanting to get between the sheets with you, and that IS funny)

Kelly from the Telly

Thanks to my guests for sitting on my sofa with me today.  Until same time next year this is 'Kelly from the Telly' saying ...cheerio….


l-azzeri-lies-in-the-sun.com
13th July 2014


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